The scariest day of my life

The Summer was approaching and we were getting excited about all the things that were were looking forward to doing with Gemma.  We were feeling so much more confident and excited to take Gemma out after having a solid number of months without complications. 

That all changed on June 22nd at 1pm.

I was on my own that day but luckily my grandma had stopped over for a visit.  She was giving Gemma a cuddle and I was in the kitchen making us lunch.  For the first time since being in hospital Gemma had developed a GI infection, however being g-tube fed we could keep her hydrated and didn't have any reason for concern.  We had noticed that Gemma's sats had been sitting a little lower than normal the past few days but didn't think too much of it.  As I came over to see if Gemma had woken up I noticed she was looking in destress.  She can't cry out and was facing away from my grandma so she hadn't noticed that something was wrong.  The oximeter began to alarm as I started a trach suction.  Gemma wasn't on the best angle so I moved her onto the couch to have better access and began working on her to clear what appeared to be a chest plugging situation.  I instructed my grandma to call 911.  After a few attempts of clearing the plug I realized that I was missing saline from my emergency bag and asked my grandma to run to Gemma's room to get some, I tried to explain where it was but unfortunately she couldn't find it and we were running out of time.  I remained calm and continued to try and help Gemma but I knew that I needed saline and inside the panick was setting in, an overwhelming sense of helplessness came over me from not having one simple thing that could help save her life.  All I could think was Dear God, please let my daughter be ok.  Gemma turned extremely pale, a ghostly white, and I had to do something quick.  I had my grandma give IPPV (resusciation bagging) to my daughter as I frantically ran down the hall to grab the saline.  Every foot step was a moment less that she had to fight.  Upon my return Gemma had lost consciousness, her sats were very low and her heart rate started to drop off.  I immediately began to instill, suction and bag but doing this on my own proved to be quite difficult and I feared that any moment I would lose my daughter.  All of a sudden I got the plug up, Gemma's eyes shot open and I was filled with relief.  I continued helping her as the paramedics came in, they gave her some oxygen and her colour started coming back.  They couldn't believe that I wasn't crying or freaking out but they didn't realize I had spent 307 days in the NICU surrounded by chaos, emergencies, and anxiety that had managed to numb me and prepare me for what had happened.  I had to set aside being Gemma's mother and save her. 

It was still the scariest day of my life.

I went with Gemma in the ambulance to BC Childrens hospital where she was admitted for observation.  Despite our efforts Gemma had become a bit dehydrated, which would have caused her chest secretions to thicken and plug.  She also required a higher level of humidity and they put her on a nebulizer that would help keep secretions loose over the Summer.  We learned a lot of valuable lessons that day which have better prepared and remind us that we truly can't take anything for granted.